Relationship in trouble? You could work at it
Unexplained bad moods can put a strain on any relationship because other people involved may feel that they are responsible.
Even if they don't, it can be very difficult being around someone with dreadful moods.
If you feel your relationship difficulties may be caused by this kind of problem, you will find a lot of help on the site, and suggest you visit the Mood Traits section first.
You could try the questionnaire Can Our Relationship Be Saved? for a general idea of where you stand in your relationship. This certainly will not be a solution to your problems but it may give you encouragement.
As a relationship progresses, there's a real danger of becoming very familiar with each other and becoming complacent. How many times do you hear couples complaining about each other's habits? If you're both happy with each other's habits then it's not a problem, but if you or your partners behaviour is becoming a "turn off" then you need to do something about it.So who is guilty? Which one of you does any of these?
- Dominate decisions within the relationship
- Show little appreciation when things are done for you
- Neglect common courtesy and good manners
- Wear tatty or soiled underwear
- Use bad language casually
- Behave selfishly about food, nights out or TV channel choices
- Neglect your hygiene (even treat it as a source of amusement)
- Pick your nose/ears/feet in front of your partner
- Casually pass wind often (from either end)
- Use the toilet while your partner's in the bath/shower
- Scratch your backside/genital area in front of your partner, even draw attention to it
- Only put in an effort with your appearance when you know strangers will see you
Another common criticism is "You've changed"
Have you or your partner changed?......Are either of you very different to when you first met? Maybe both of you are!
- If you were caring, attentive, good company and a good listener are you still that person or do you not bother any more?
- Have you put on lots of weight or become lazy?
- Do you nag or moan a lot or are you selfish?
- Do you blame everyone else for your shortcomings and problems or are you very critical or hard to please?
- Do you tend to compare your partner to other people who are "better" in some way......deriding them?
You wouldn't feel the same about your partner if they changed drastically, criticised you, made you feel used, under valued, disrespected and moaned at you! They wouldn't feel the same if you had changed either.
Make an effort to be a caring lovable person, regardless of complacency and familiarity, don't see it as an excuse to let your standards slip!! If you do, your partner will lose respect for you, and unless you can gain it back the relationship is doomed to fail, or sink to a miserable existence.
Sometimes a couple will often argue simply because they are not compatible enough for the relationship to run smoothly. Learning to accept each other's differences with a bit of give and take can help a lot with this kind of problem.
Try this Compatibility questionnaire to find out if you may have problems with this issue.
We all argue, it's natural! But when you argue do you throw mud at each other and bring up things that happened years ago? Don't do it!
Things that happened long ago don't matter anymore, you came through it so move on. There is nothing to be gained from just blaming someone else for things that happened years ago, no matter how bad it was. Sometimes you have to put your feelings to one side and move on for the benefit of the relationship.
Focus on the present and how to make things better!
Some simple rules for you both to consider
A bad attitude can cause big problems in any relationship. This kind of behaviour can be infuriating for the person on the receiving end, and can be the cause of many failed relationships and marriages.
Try this Attitude questionnaire which may help to reveal a problem in this area.
Don't talk over your partner! Don't anticipate what they're going to say then interrupt! Even if you know what they're going to say, or think you do, let them speak and listen!
Try to be constructive! State clearly what has upset you and listen to your partner's reply.
Don't insult them, just explain why you're unhappy.
We all make mistakes, we're human, but holding grudges is a futile practice. Try to see things from the other person's point of view and try to understand why things went wrong. Understanding helps you to forgive. You have to work at your relationship, and that means working together and learning to give and take.
- Sometimes it's about keeping quiet
- Sometimes it's about not having your own way
- Sometimes it's about doing something you don't want to do
- It's about making an effort when the onus is on you
- It's about sometimes being selfless
- It's about learning to recognize your weaknesses and trying to improve yourself
- It's about accepting that sometimes you've been wrong or unreasonable
- It's about accepting that your partner isn't always to blame when things go wrong
- It's about listening to your partner and knowing what makes them happy or unhappy
When things do go wrong, never let it fester! Try to make up before you go to sleep or at least speak about it the next day, after you've slept on it. You may then see things in a different light.
Sometimes our behaviour can change for the worst in a relationship and we just can't see it. Sometimes we can change but are unwilling to admit it or do anything about it. Either way the relationship is in stalemate and unless an agreement is brought about to resolve the problems, the relationship is doomed to failure, it's run its course and its time to move on.